ADullAche

Did I see what I saw?

Did I see North Korea voluntarily destroy one of their nuclear cooling towers?

Did I hear what I heard?

Not one shot fired?

No one invaded any sovereign nations who didn’t invade us?

No bunker busters?

No fortified Humvees?

Not even a single water boarding approved at the highest levels?

What kind of foreign policy is that?

This is the George Bush Administration.

The George W. Bush Administration, not to be confused with that sushi pukin’, “read my lips” talkin’ other George Bush – George H. W. But to his credit, he also invaded Iraq, but wimped out and did nothing when the wall fell and all of eastern Europe was ripe for the taking.

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

That’s right, I’m calling you out Dubya – you’re a candy ass.

You used diplomacy. We have warehouses full of nukes and you’re chatting-up other countries.

When did we start making deals with dictators?

What are we, France!?

We didn’t elect you to talk. Hell, after almost eight years, we all know you can’t.

Where’s the man of action, the guy who didn’t think about what he said or did, he just said and did it? Where’s that flight suit? That’s what we want; not some pansy who cuts deals with hard core Commies.

What’s next, have Hezbollah to the White House for lunch?

We’ll become an international laughing stock. We’ll have a president who people think can actually be reasonable. He’s given up golf and now he’s talking to other countries. Is that the image you really want for the leader of the free world?

This just wont do.

So man up, mama’s boy, and take out Iran before you go…at least you’ll save some of your legacy.

IT’S THE FIST-BUMP, EVERYBODY DUCK!

Here we go; the general election is less than a week old and those stalwarts of “fair and balanced” news have started the campaign off with an homage to 9/11 and cunningly tied it to Barack Obama.

The simple-witted E.D. Hill, one of Fox’s faux-news twinkies and Ann Coulter wannabes (who, like Ms. Coulter, probably lights a candle on Eva Braun’s birthday) runs away with moron honors this week with her description of Barack Obama’s fist-bump as “a terrorist jab.”

The woman who is doing her best to give blondes a bad name, has inadvertently claimed everyone from NBA M.V.P Kobe Bryant to former Nixon speech writer and conservative stalwart Pat Buchanan is in league Osama Bin Laden.

We’ve all seen the video footage of Bin Laden, huddling in a cave in Tora Bora, surrounded by his evil henchmen, who cackle with glee, then ‘Dap’ one another. (Dap is the street – no doubt a street in Kabul – name for the fist-bump.)

To be fair, the vacant Hill did reference our never embarrassing president’s chest bump at the Air Force Academy. Apparently Dubya was reliving his days as a cheerleader at Andover.

And the idiot-host’s tease as “a terrorist fist jab” never made it into the segment…she is a little slow, maybe she forgot.

Now you know why “stupid is as stupid does.”

McCain’s already at it, and word came yesterday that Obama has asked Caroline Kennedy for help finding a VP.

Well, I’m here to make everyone’s life a little easier – pick me.

Doesn’t matter which party, I’m the best choice, and here’s why:

I’m an unknown, no baggage, no political paper trail, never abused substances, have nice teeth, and aside from that little incident many years ago when I was naked in the back of an open-topped jeep reciting lines from Richard II (although it might have been Henry IV) my nose is clean.

I lack ambition. Not only don’t I want to be President, I’ve no interest in making deals with Satan, no matter how high he says my stock options will go.

I don’t own any stock options.

I’m not evil, and I have a human heart. Now I’m not sure if there’s a correlation between the two, but…I’m just sayin’.

I don’t know anyone in the oil business. I even call my mechanic “Mr.” – frankly at his prices, I should call him “Dr.”

I also don’t know anyone in Saudi Arabia, nor do I have any intention of moving my offices to Dubai. In fact, I’m not even sure where Dubai is, and my ‘offices’ is the den next to the garage in my house.

I’m a coward; I don’t now, nor have I ever “had other priorities.”

I don’t hunt. That may not make me very popular with the NRA crowd, but I do know my way around firearms, and more to the point, if you showed me one hundred pictures of a bird and one hundred pictures of a man’s face, I could tell the difference every time…every time.

I’ve read enough history to know that a region that’s been in conflict since the Old Testament was daily news is never going to treat an occupying army as “liberators.”

I’m actually likeable. Milk doesn’t curdle, children don’t begin to cry, and flowers don’t wither and die when I walk by.

So you can see how I’d be the perfect choice for Vice President…hell, I’d even talk to networks other than Fox.

Here’s yet another sign that you need to set four extra places at the table (and don’t seat Pestilence next to War, they don’t get along) – the price of shit is soaring.

Along with oil, wheat, rice and anything else that used to cost less, the price of Peruvian guano is going up, up, up. (You can read all about here: New York Times)

Like most of history, this has happened before. There was quite a bit of guano intrigue in the 19^th century, wars were even fought over it…something we seem to be familiar with in the 21^st Century. (The product is different, the war is the same.)

For now, let’s forget about this being a cautionary tale, let’s ignore the political parallels about greed and imperialism (who would have thought we’d dig up that word again), and let’s focus on the really important issue here: if the price of bird shit is going up, there must be something laying around the house that could make us all a few extra bucks.

Many years ago, I used to hear a guy on the radio who told us to save our butter paper. Yes, the paper that butter is wrapped in. I don’t recall why, but I’ll bet it had something to do with the coming Apocalypse and how it would be currency in the distopic future, which has now arrived thanks to Bush Co. – so I check the NASDAQ every day for the butter paper indexes.

I’m also sneaking around the neighborhood, ‘collecting’ all the sidewalk chalk I can find. (You know those big pieces of colored chalk kids use to decorate everything, including your new Prius.) Turns out most of that stuff is made in China, and like every child’s toy made in China, it’s full of lead. With all the lead they’re putting in stuff, it’s got to be running low…lead could be next year’s gold.

So rummage through the shed and comb the backyard, because I’ll bet with a little imagination and a small touch of insight, we could all be rich as Cheney in no time…and without selling our souls.

Little Scotty wrote a book that has the tongues a waggin,

The spin machine is out in force, while the polls are still a saggin’.

The tome tells of egos and lies in the run up to a war,

Actually quite compelling stuff, but we’ve heard it all before.

The difference is the tale is told by one of their very own,

A Texas rat has turned his back; it’s causing quite a groan.

It took less than a minute for the Bush rats to emerge,

And with their talking points in hand, they started another surge.

“This is not our, Scotty” they feigned their disappointment.

The subtext here is oh so clear, this fly escaped the ointment.

His picture’s of a president, who is so vain but not so smart,

Who wants to be history’s darling, so a Middle East war he starts.

Again, is there a citizen left who doesn’t know he lied,

That he dreams about his legacy while others fought and died.

But the rats are out in force now, there’s Rove, the rattiest of all,

He says it’s left-wing bloggers, and next he’ll blame Ron Paul.

Then there’s Ari and Bartlett making the rounds and adding their penny or two,

While Cheney and Bush – those despicable men – hide behind red, white and blue.

Soon this will all be forgotten; my best guess, it’ll take but a week,

Those criminal bastards will still be in charge, and our future will still be quite bleak.

“Hey you, Obama.”

“It’s Osama.”

“Yeah, yeah, Osama, Obama, whatever…”

It seems, in spite of seventeen months of campaigning, a controversy that went on for almost as long surrounding his CHRISTIAN PREACHER, and no less than one million statements from the man himself proclaiming his CHRISTIANITY, a poll out just this weekend states there still exists an 11% idiot quotient who still think Barack Obama is Muslim.

What’s wrong with you eleven percenters – save the obvious that you’re nitwits. Is it a simple lack of knowledge, a refusal or perhaps an inability to read, maybe your TV is stuck on the Cartoon Network? How can the undeniable fact of Obama’s religion still be unknown to you?

Unless…you’re stupid and paranoid…

It is possible you think Obama is a crypto-Muslim? Perhaps he wears a white, skintight, suit with a big “M” on the chest under his street clothes. Maybe he has a guy following him everywhere he goes, and that guy carries a locked briefcase, and after Obama wins the Presidency, the guy busts open the case and it’s full of kufis and maybe even a couple of those really big, black Ayatollah-looking turbans.

Maybe you think he’s secretly planning to put a mosque in every strip mall in America; so not only will you soon pay $5 for a gallon of gas, but you’ll have to face east when you do it.

And aren’t you the same 11% who think King George the Lame is still doing a good job and that the country is still moving in the right direction.

Ah, the power of the intellectual void never ceases to amaze.

I’m glad we live in a nation where every word that comes out of someone’s mouth is examined and parsed and judged harshly. For too long people have gotten away with saying things like “Mission Accomplished” and “Last throes of the insurgency” and no one really paid attention.

It’s about time we started listening.

Just the other day Hillary, (yes, that Hillary, the one still running for president), made an off the cuff comment about Bobby Kennedy’s June assassination. Of course it was offensive, it mentioned…June…

What made it worse was her apology: “I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever. My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I’m honored to hold Senator Kennedy’s seat in the United States Senate from the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire Kennedy family.”

Can you believe that?

Let’s parse the first sentence of Ms. Clinton’s bit of blatant insincerity and see what’s really going on.

She starts with I. Oh, look, it’s all about her.

The very next word is regret. ‘Regret’ is French, and it’s not even anglicized French, it’s a full on French loan word. You know how they say ‘regret’ in France, ‘regret.’ Tell me that isn’t Hillary spitting in America’s eye.

The next section, that if my referencing that, is typical political doublespeak. That referencing that has no meaning. ‘That’ is a relative pronoun; it’s a code to her relatives…and we all know who she’s related to.

Next we have moment of trauma for our entire nation. You might think you know what she’s talking about, but a closer look tells us she’s talking about the trauma of losing the nomination and, referring back to the I  at the beginning of the sentence, how the nation deserves to suffer for not letting her be president.

…and particularly for the Kennedy family, everyone knows this is code for socialism, plain and simple.

And finally, was in any way offensive. However, with a simple change of punctuation, based on the subtle pitch variances in Hillary’s voice when she made the apology, this should read as an interrogative as spoken by Tony Soprano, “What, that was in any way offensive?”

Yeah, these people have gotten away with murder with using language and all, it’s about time we held them accountable for every single word that comes out of their mouths.

JOHNNY: Hello, America. Are you ready! It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. We don’t care if your state is red or blue or purple, and we don’t care who you plan to vote for in the fall. Everyone can play America’s second fastest growing game show, STUPID or EVIL – #1 is still “How Much Will Oil Cost Tomorrow?” And here’s your host, the man with a hybrid in his parking space and Immanuel Kant in his back pocket, Marty Pither.

MARTY: Thank you, Johnny, and thank you America for making us #2 in such a short time. But this show isn’t about me, it about you, so let’s bring out today’s deciders and play, STUPID or EVIL.

JOHNNY: Our first decider is a chemical engineer and full time mom from Shelbyville, please welcome, Betty Swingmachine.

MARTY: Welcome, Betty, welcome.

BETTY: It’s great to be here, Marty. Can I say something to my children?

MARTY: Of course.

BETTY: Hey kids, I just want to tell you Mommy loves you, and, please leave Fluffy in the Skinner Box.

MARTY: I’ve got one of those myself. Who’s our next decider, Johnny?

JOHNNY: He’s a lumberjack and part time Bishop of the Church of England, here he is, all the way from Frankfurt am Oder, Rex Manngroomer.

REX: Great to be here, Marty.

MARTY: Rex, they tell me you’re working on a special project.

REX: Yes, that’s true, Marty. I’m writing the definitive version of “Puss ‘n Boots” in Frisian.

MARTY: Does anyone speak Frisian anymore?

REX: Not that I’m aware of.

MARTY: All right. You both know the rules, I give you a person and a quote and you tell me if that person is…let’s hear it audience…STUPID or EVIL. And here’s your first quote. Here’s a little something our President said back in June of 2000 when he was running for president and oil was $28 a barrel: “I would work with our friends in OPEC to convince them to open up the spigot, to increase the supply. Use the capital that my administration will earn, with the Kuwaitis or the Saudis, and convince them to open up the spigot.” So I ask you, deciders, is George Bush STUPID or EVIL.

BETTY: Marty, do you want to know if he was STUPID when he said in 2000 or if he’s STUPID now?

ROBERT: Just plain STUPID, Marty.

MARTY: That’s right, Robert. STUPID is always the safe bet there. Okay, you see how we play the game now Betty, so be like the President and don’t over-think things. Here’s our next quote. It’s something then Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said in Feb, 2003: “It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.”

ROBERT: Semi-EVIL.

BETTY: Completely STUPID, Marty.

MARTY: Right you are, Betty. Robert, we don’t equivocate around here, we only deal in absolutes, no subtlety. Think of us as the Bush Administration of game shows. All right, we have time for one more round, and this will be great line from Dick Cheney…

BETTY: EVIL.

MARTY: Betty, you have to wait for the quo…

ROBERT: EVIL.

MARTY: I haven’t told you the…

BETTY & ROBERT: EVIL.

MARTY: Well, it seems we have a couple of deciders who really know their STUPID or EVIL…but we’re out of time, so we’ll settle this tomorrow on, STUPID or EVIL.

Dmitry Medvedev, the new Russian President, (and Valdimir Putin’s handpicked successor) is about to take his first official trip after being sworn in on May 7. A little more than two weeks later, on May 23, he’s off to Beijing for a little face time with Chinese Big Boss, Hu Jintao.

You don’t need to be Condoleezza Rice, the “expert” in Soviet affairs, to see Putin’s hand in all this. Putin, who’s made himself Prime Minister (and leader for life the way he’s managing things) has once again spit in ol’ Dubya’s eye, proving to the world just how irrelevant our own Fearless Non-Golfing Leader is, and how, thanks to eight years of dumb & dumber policy, global power is shifting east.

But the not soon enough ex-tenant of the White House is nothing if not stubborn and indifferent to reality, so he’s yet to accept his lack of status in the world. Now he sits by the phone and waits for his calls to be returned…

(Dubya paces in the Oval Office, a putter over his shoulder. The phone rings. He dives on it.)

DUBYA: Dmitry?…oh, it’s you, Dick…no, I didn’t mean it like that…no, I’m not sulking over him goin’ to China…yes, I told him I’d make Daddy’s tacos…I dunno, maybe he likes that duck they make over there…look, I gotta get off the line in case he calls…we do? What is that, like call waitin’?…I gotta go anyway, in case he calls.

(Dubya hang ups and walks over to a putting green in Oval Office. He starts to line up a putt, then stops.)

DUBYA: No, I can’t break my word to the American people. Man, this war is killin’ my short game. (The phone rings.) Dmitry?…oh, hey Condi…no, I’m not sulking over him goin’ to China…yes, I told him about Daddy’s tacos…look, Condi, I’m waitin’ on a call, I gotta get off the line…we do? So I’ll hear a beep or somethin’?…I dunno…yeah, tuna sounds good, but I don’t want any of those damn green onions in it…okay, I gotta go, he might be callin’.

(Dubya crosses to his golf bag in the corner of the office. He slams in his putter then mopes to his desk and sits in the chair that has always been much too big for him. He puts his chin on the desk, and stares at the phone.)

DUBYA: Com’on, baby, ring…ring…ring…

We’ve been slogging along for the last – what is it, hundred years? – with this endless campaign, and every step of the way we’ve been treated to the muzak of political code words.

Both politicians and pundits throw these little bits of verse about like they’re slinging burgers at the Mac place – billions and billions served. Frankly we don’t know what the hell they’re talking about half the time. (Apparently, they don’t know the other half…so we’re even.)

With general election politics about to kick into full swing, (I know Hillary is still running, but I’m one of a very small group who is still aware of this), it’s time we cut through the sound bites and buzz words and figured out what the talking heads are really talking about.

The next time you hear someone say something that is amorphous and meaningless, you’ll know what they really mean:

change – help!

blue collar white voter – blue collar WHITE voter

Glenn Beck – schmuck…or putz

the president is doing a good job – we work for Fox News

I’m a fighter – If I lose, it’s Bill’s fault

Dick Cheney – dick Cheney

she’s a fighter – she’s a man, baby…

Republican Party – who?

he’s Muslim – he’s black

he’s too liberal – he’s black

he’s inexperienced – he’s black

he’s elitist – he’s black

he’s not black enough – he’s black

war hero – white guy