May 23 2008
STUPID or EVIL
JOHNNY: Hello, America. Are you ready! It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. We don’t care if your state is red or blue or purple, and we don’t care who you plan to vote for in the fall. Everyone can play America’s second fastest growing game show, STUPID or EVIL – #1 is still “How Much Will Oil Cost Tomorrow?” And here’s your host, the man with a hybrid in his parking space and Immanuel Kant in his back pocket, Marty Pither.
MARTY: Thank you, Johnny, and thank you America for making us #2 in such a short time. But this show isn’t about me, it about you, so let’s bring out today’s deciders and play, STUPID or EVIL.
JOHNNY: Our first decider is a chemical engineer and full time mom from Shelbyville, please welcome, Betty Swingmachine.
MARTY: Welcome, Betty, welcome.
BETTY: It’s great to be here, Marty. Can I say something to my children?
MARTY: Of course.
BETTY: Hey kids, I just want to tell you Mommy loves you, and, please leave Fluffy in the Skinner Box.
MARTY: I’ve got one of those myself. Who’s our next decider, Johnny?
JOHNNY: He’s a lumberjack and part time Bishop of the Church of England, here he is, all the way from Frankfurt am Oder, Rex Manngroomer.
REX: Great to be here, Marty.
MARTY: Rex, they tell me you’re working on a special project.
REX: Yes, that’s true, Marty. I’m writing the definitive version of “Puss ‘n Boots” in Frisian.
MARTY: Does anyone speak Frisian anymore?
REX: Not that I’m aware of.
MARTY: All right. You both know the rules, I give you a person and a quote and you tell me if that person is…let’s hear it audience…STUPID or EVIL. And here’s your first quote. Here’s a little something our President said back in June of 2000 when he was running for president and oil was $28 a barrel: “I would work with our friends in OPEC to convince them to open up the spigot, to increase the supply. Use the capital that my administration will earn, with the Kuwaitis or the Saudis, and convince them to open up the spigot.” So I ask you, deciders, is George Bush STUPID or EVIL.
BETTY: Marty, do you want to know if he was STUPID when he said in 2000 or if he’s STUPID now?
ROBERT: Just plain STUPID, Marty.
MARTY: That’s right, Robert. STUPID is always the safe bet there. Okay, you see how we play the game now Betty, so be like the President and don’t over-think things. Here’s our next quote. It’s something then Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said in Feb, 2003: “It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.”
ROBERT: Semi-EVIL.
BETTY: Completely STUPID, Marty.
MARTY: Right you are, Betty. Robert, we don’t equivocate around here, we only deal in absolutes, no subtlety. Think of us as the Bush Administration of game shows. All right, we have time for one more round, and this will be great line from Dick Cheney…
BETTY: EVIL.
MARTY: Betty, you have to wait for the quo…
ROBERT: EVIL.
MARTY: I haven’t told you the…
BETTY & ROBERT: EVIL.
MARTY: Well, it seems we have a couple of deciders who really know their STUPID or EVIL…but we’re out of time, so we’ll settle this tomorrow on, STUPID or EVIL.
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