ADullAche

Here’s yet another sign that you need to set four extra places at the table (and don’t seat Pestilence next to War, they don’t get along) – the price of shit is soaring.

Along with oil, wheat, rice and anything else that used to cost less, the price of Peruvian guano is going up, up, up. (You can read all about here: New York Times)

Like most of history, this has happened before. There was quite a bit of guano intrigue in the 19^th century, wars were even fought over it…something we seem to be familiar with in the 21^st Century. (The product is different, the war is the same.)

For now, let’s forget about this being a cautionary tale, let’s ignore the political parallels about greed and imperialism (who would have thought we’d dig up that word again), and let’s focus on the really important issue here: if the price of bird shit is going up, there must be something laying around the house that could make us all a few extra bucks.

Many years ago, I used to hear a guy on the radio who told us to save our butter paper. Yes, the paper that butter is wrapped in. I don’t recall why, but I’ll bet it had something to do with the coming Apocalypse and how it would be currency in the distopic future, which has now arrived thanks to Bush Co. – so I check the NASDAQ every day for the butter paper indexes.

I’m also sneaking around the neighborhood, ‘collecting’ all the sidewalk chalk I can find. (You know those big pieces of colored chalk kids use to decorate everything, including your new Prius.) Turns out most of that stuff is made in China, and like every child’s toy made in China, it’s full of lead. With all the lead they’re putting in stuff, it’s got to be running low…lead could be next year’s gold.

So rummage through the shed and comb the backyard, because I’ll bet with a little imagination and a small touch of insight, we could all be rich as Cheney in no time…and without selling our souls.

Little Scotty wrote a book that has the tongues a waggin,

The spin machine is out in force, while the polls are still a saggin’.

The tome tells of egos and lies in the run up to a war,

Actually quite compelling stuff, but we’ve heard it all before.

The difference is the tale is told by one of their very own,

A Texas rat has turned his back; it’s causing quite a groan.

It took less than a minute for the Bush rats to emerge,

And with their talking points in hand, they started another surge.

“This is not our, Scotty” they feigned their disappointment.

The subtext here is oh so clear, this fly escaped the ointment.

His picture’s of a president, who is so vain but not so smart,

Who wants to be history’s darling, so a Middle East war he starts.

Again, is there a citizen left who doesn’t know he lied,

That he dreams about his legacy while others fought and died.

But the rats are out in force now, there’s Rove, the rattiest of all,

He says it’s left-wing bloggers, and next he’ll blame Ron Paul.

Then there’s Ari and Bartlett making the rounds and adding their penny or two,

While Cheney and Bush – those despicable men – hide behind red, white and blue.

Soon this will all be forgotten; my best guess, it’ll take but a week,

Those criminal bastards will still be in charge, and our future will still be quite bleak.

“Hey you, Obama.”

“It’s Osama.”

“Yeah, yeah, Osama, Obama, whatever…”

It seems, in spite of seventeen months of campaigning, a controversy that went on for almost as long surrounding his CHRISTIAN PREACHER, and no less than one million statements from the man himself proclaiming his CHRISTIANITY, a poll out just this weekend states there still exists an 11% idiot quotient who still think Barack Obama is Muslim.

What’s wrong with you eleven percenters – save the obvious that you’re nitwits. Is it a simple lack of knowledge, a refusal or perhaps an inability to read, maybe your TV is stuck on the Cartoon Network? How can the undeniable fact of Obama’s religion still be unknown to you?

Unless…you’re stupid and paranoid…

It is possible you think Obama is a crypto-Muslim? Perhaps he wears a white, skintight, suit with a big “M” on the chest under his street clothes. Maybe he has a guy following him everywhere he goes, and that guy carries a locked briefcase, and after Obama wins the Presidency, the guy busts open the case and it’s full of kufis and maybe even a couple of those really big, black Ayatollah-looking turbans.

Maybe you think he’s secretly planning to put a mosque in every strip mall in America; so not only will you soon pay $5 for a gallon of gas, but you’ll have to face east when you do it.

And aren’t you the same 11% who think King George the Lame is still doing a good job and that the country is still moving in the right direction.

Ah, the power of the intellectual void never ceases to amaze.

I’m glad we live in a nation where every word that comes out of someone’s mouth is examined and parsed and judged harshly. For too long people have gotten away with saying things like “Mission Accomplished” and “Last throes of the insurgency” and no one really paid attention.

It’s about time we started listening.

Just the other day Hillary, (yes, that Hillary, the one still running for president), made an off the cuff comment about Bobby Kennedy’s June assassination. Of course it was offensive, it mentioned…June…

What made it worse was her apology: “I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever. My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I’m honored to hold Senator Kennedy’s seat in the United States Senate from the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire Kennedy family.”

Can you believe that?

Let’s parse the first sentence of Ms. Clinton’s bit of blatant insincerity and see what’s really going on.

She starts with I. Oh, look, it’s all about her.

The very next word is regret. ‘Regret’ is French, and it’s not even anglicized French, it’s a full on French loan word. You know how they say ‘regret’ in France, ‘regret.’ Tell me that isn’t Hillary spitting in America’s eye.

The next section, that if my referencing that, is typical political doublespeak. That referencing that has no meaning. ‘That’ is a relative pronoun; it’s a code to her relatives…and we all know who she’s related to.

Next we have moment of trauma for our entire nation. You might think you know what she’s talking about, but a closer look tells us she’s talking about the trauma of losing the nomination and, referring back to the I  at the beginning of the sentence, how the nation deserves to suffer for not letting her be president.

…and particularly for the Kennedy family, everyone knows this is code for socialism, plain and simple.

And finally, was in any way offensive. However, with a simple change of punctuation, based on the subtle pitch variances in Hillary’s voice when she made the apology, this should read as an interrogative as spoken by Tony Soprano, “What, that was in any way offensive?”

Yeah, these people have gotten away with murder with using language and all, it’s about time we held them accountable for every single word that comes out of their mouths.

JOHNNY: Hello, America. Are you ready! It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. We don’t care if your state is red or blue or purple, and we don’t care who you plan to vote for in the fall. Everyone can play America’s second fastest growing game show, STUPID or EVIL – #1 is still “How Much Will Oil Cost Tomorrow?” And here’s your host, the man with a hybrid in his parking space and Immanuel Kant in his back pocket, Marty Pither.

MARTY: Thank you, Johnny, and thank you America for making us #2 in such a short time. But this show isn’t about me, it about you, so let’s bring out today’s deciders and play, STUPID or EVIL.

JOHNNY: Our first decider is a chemical engineer and full time mom from Shelbyville, please welcome, Betty Swingmachine.

MARTY: Welcome, Betty, welcome.

BETTY: It’s great to be here, Marty. Can I say something to my children?

MARTY: Of course.

BETTY: Hey kids, I just want to tell you Mommy loves you, and, please leave Fluffy in the Skinner Box.

MARTY: I’ve got one of those myself. Who’s our next decider, Johnny?

JOHNNY: He’s a lumberjack and part time Bishop of the Church of England, here he is, all the way from Frankfurt am Oder, Rex Manngroomer.

REX: Great to be here, Marty.

MARTY: Rex, they tell me you’re working on a special project.

REX: Yes, that’s true, Marty. I’m writing the definitive version of “Puss ‘n Boots” in Frisian.

MARTY: Does anyone speak Frisian anymore?

REX: Not that I’m aware of.

MARTY: All right. You both know the rules, I give you a person and a quote and you tell me if that person is…let’s hear it audience…STUPID or EVIL. And here’s your first quote. Here’s a little something our President said back in June of 2000 when he was running for president and oil was $28 a barrel: “I would work with our friends in OPEC to convince them to open up the spigot, to increase the supply. Use the capital that my administration will earn, with the Kuwaitis or the Saudis, and convince them to open up the spigot.” So I ask you, deciders, is George Bush STUPID or EVIL.

BETTY: Marty, do you want to know if he was STUPID when he said in 2000 or if he’s STUPID now?

ROBERT: Just plain STUPID, Marty.

MARTY: That’s right, Robert. STUPID is always the safe bet there. Okay, you see how we play the game now Betty, so be like the President and don’t over-think things. Here’s our next quote. It’s something then Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said in Feb, 2003: “It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.”

ROBERT: Semi-EVIL.

BETTY: Completely STUPID, Marty.

MARTY: Right you are, Betty. Robert, we don’t equivocate around here, we only deal in absolutes, no subtlety. Think of us as the Bush Administration of game shows. All right, we have time for one more round, and this will be great line from Dick Cheney…

BETTY: EVIL.

MARTY: Betty, you have to wait for the quo…

ROBERT: EVIL.

MARTY: I haven’t told you the…

BETTY & ROBERT: EVIL.

MARTY: Well, it seems we have a couple of deciders who really know their STUPID or EVIL…but we’re out of time, so we’ll settle this tomorrow on, STUPID or EVIL.

Dmitry Medvedev, the new Russian President, (and Valdimir Putin’s handpicked successor) is about to take his first official trip after being sworn in on May 7. A little more than two weeks later, on May 23, he’s off to Beijing for a little face time with Chinese Big Boss, Hu Jintao.

You don’t need to be Condoleezza Rice, the “expert” in Soviet affairs, to see Putin’s hand in all this. Putin, who’s made himself Prime Minister (and leader for life the way he’s managing things) has once again spit in ol’ Dubya’s eye, proving to the world just how irrelevant our own Fearless Non-Golfing Leader is, and how, thanks to eight years of dumb & dumber policy, global power is shifting east.

But the not soon enough ex-tenant of the White House is nothing if not stubborn and indifferent to reality, so he’s yet to accept his lack of status in the world. Now he sits by the phone and waits for his calls to be returned…

(Dubya paces in the Oval Office, a putter over his shoulder. The phone rings. He dives on it.)

DUBYA: Dmitry?…oh, it’s you, Dick…no, I didn’t mean it like that…no, I’m not sulking over him goin’ to China…yes, I told him I’d make Daddy’s tacos…I dunno, maybe he likes that duck they make over there…look, I gotta get off the line in case he calls…we do? What is that, like call waitin’?…I gotta go anyway, in case he calls.

(Dubya hang ups and walks over to a putting green in Oval Office. He starts to line up a putt, then stops.)

DUBYA: No, I can’t break my word to the American people. Man, this war is killin’ my short game. (The phone rings.) Dmitry?…oh, hey Condi…no, I’m not sulking over him goin’ to China…yes, I told him about Daddy’s tacos…look, Condi, I’m waitin’ on a call, I gotta get off the line…we do? So I’ll hear a beep or somethin’?…I dunno…yeah, tuna sounds good, but I don’t want any of those damn green onions in it…okay, I gotta go, he might be callin’.

(Dubya crosses to his golf bag in the corner of the office. He slams in his putter then mopes to his desk and sits in the chair that has always been much too big for him. He puts his chin on the desk, and stares at the phone.)

DUBYA: Com’on, baby, ring…ring…ring…

We’ve been slogging along for the last – what is it, hundred years? – with this endless campaign, and every step of the way we’ve been treated to the muzak of political code words.

Both politicians and pundits throw these little bits of verse about like they’re slinging burgers at the Mac place – billions and billions served. Frankly we don’t know what the hell they’re talking about half the time. (Apparently, they don’t know the other half…so we’re even.)

With general election politics about to kick into full swing, (I know Hillary is still running, but I’m one of a very small group who is still aware of this), it’s time we cut through the sound bites and buzz words and figured out what the talking heads are really talking about.

The next time you hear someone say something that is amorphous and meaningless, you’ll know what they really mean:

change – help!

blue collar white voter – blue collar WHITE voter

Glenn Beck – schmuck…or putz

the president is doing a good job – we work for Fox News

I’m a fighter – If I lose, it’s Bill’s fault

Dick Cheney – dick Cheney

she’s a fighter – she’s a man, baby…

Republican Party – who?

he’s Muslim – he’s black

he’s too liberal – he’s black

he’s inexperienced – he’s black

he’s elitist – he’s black

he’s not black enough – he’s black

war hero – white guy

(Since everyone else in the world jumped on Forrest Bush for his painfully stupid – the ‘dull ache’ appellation becomes clearer and clearer, doesn’t it – and highly inappropriate “appeasement” remarks to the Knesset last week, and since a day doesn’t go by where he doesn’t do or say something mindnumbingly moronic, I’ve gone in a different direction this week.)

YEAH, I THOUGHT I WAS SMARTER TOO…

“Neither Hillary Clinton nor Barack Obama can be elected President of the United States. They could be elected President of New York and Los Angeles, but in the in-between bunch of country known as America—look away coasters, east and west—a black man or this particular woman are simply not electable, at least not yet.” (Me, July 31, 2007.)

It was bound to happen. You say enough, you write thousands of words, eventually something’s going to come back and bite you. Granted I’m not bit yet, as November is still an eternity away, but the current polls have Obama – who, when the Oregon primary ends tonight will have a majority of the pledged delegates – beating McBush (thanks Mo Dowd) in the general election.

(Of course Hillary can still push the button on the ‘nuclear option’ and bring down the entire party hoping for a do-over in 2012, but even her crypto-campaign manager Karl Rove wouldn’t approve of that…you know his motto: never steal an election tomorrow when you can steal one today.)

But I digress; this is about me being an idiot.

Look, who knew? Did I actually think America, even a really pissed off America would let it fly and vote big for an Anti-Bush? (Not to be confused with the Anti-Christ which is who we elected in 2000.)

No.

I thought, at best, we’d pay a little a lip service to the idea of a woman or a black man as president, then, as we saw in New Hampshire, conscientious voters stepped into the booth and voted their conscience – most of which was channeled from somewhere near Tuscaloosa during the Civil War. (Hell, I know people who are still pretty angry at the outcome of “The War of Northern Aggression” and read The Wall Street Journal daily, hoping to see Colored Folks Inc. – CFI – listed on the NASDAQ so they can get in on the ground floor.)

And yet, the other day 80,000 people attended an Obama rally in Oregon. McCain hasn’t spoken to 80,000 people total since he started running. It’s hard to ignore that kind of passion amongst voters.

So, I WAS WRONG…for the moment.

George W. Bush, the man who couldn’t be king, keeps insisting he’s relevant…unfortunately, the world just doesn’t seem to agree.

Every week ol’ Dubya does something that he’s sure will give him the legacy he so richly deserves (not to worry, he’ll get it) and every week the event du jour blows up in his face. (Proving not only does he not know general history, but even the specific history of his own administration has escaped him. Everything this guy has done has been an unmitigated disaster.)

A bunch of bad Bush-stuff happened last week. (Let me qualify that; bad Bush stuff happens every week, but it usually happens to us – for a change it happened to him.)

The loss of the Mississippi special election after a big push by the White House. Our president’s ignorant and embarrassing remarks on the floor of the Knesset. And my favorite, old oilman George W’s attempt to get Saudi Arabia to slip us a little cheap gas.

What’s most amusing about this last one are the putative ties between the Bush family and the Saudi Royals. I don’t wanna say they’re close, but there are pictures of Dubya and Crown Prince Abdullah holding hands and playing kissy face, and I heard they went to the Prom together. They visit each other’s countries, and ranches – word is the Crown Prince’s stables are nicer than the entire Crawford compound – and have a long term, intimate relationship.

So when the leader of the most powerful nation on earth went Saudi Arabia last week for a little help with our ballooning oil prices, you knew he’d be greeted with open arms…instead he got the finger.

Politics is one thing, economics another, and Saudi Arabia has no intention of helping American and their buddy Bush out of this particular jam. It’s all supply and demand for them, and gas is too expensive for us to demand more, so they’re not going to pump anymore. They increased production a whopping 3% (mostly for China); they have the capacity to increase it over 20%.

Yeah, it’s good to be the king.

What do you expect – Dubya was a bust in the oil business too.

I should have seen this coming. I’ve been around the edges of it for years now. After watching the Bush machine slowly grind America into a second-rate debtor nation, I figured we were on our way to becoming Great Britain or France. I even thought – if the Chinese decided to call in our $9 trillion note or trade in Euros instead of dollars – we had a shot at becoming Argentina. So how did I miss we’re already Germany. I’m not talking about post-Communist once again whole Germany; I’m referring to the goose-stepping, Poland invading nation of yore.

For those of you who are history-challenged, that would be bad old Nazi Germany.

And I’m not blaming it all on Bush, although he did get the ball rolling by invading a sovereign nation which had done us no harm. Like Germany’s push for world domination back in the ‘40’s, the war is dragging on, he’s broken the army, he’s destroyed the economy, and he’s is actually less popular than the German leader of the time – he’s also hiding in a bunker waiting for the end.

But it’s bigger than just Dubya, (not that his stone and barbed wire fence along the southern border should bring anything to mind: “Papers, you hef papers, ya.”)

If you squint, you’d swear Karl Rove is Joseph Goebbles reincarnated. Goebbles was the Nazi propaganda boss, and there isn’t a trick he used that wasn’t picked up and improved upon by Rove. The politics of hate and separation, well, Rove isn’t all that bright, and now we know where it came from.

And it’s bigger still.

Republican nominee and iron man, John McBush, has embraced Catholic-hating minister John Hagee. Back in the Tag, next to Jews, the German boss had a real dislike of Catholics.

Even Billary got into the act with a bit of racial distrust. Some of it coded, “Obama can’t win with white working people,” some of it not, “Jesse Jackson won South Carolina.” See, if you can’t scare voters with white folk, scare ‘em with a black guy.

We have the anti-gay stormtroopers gearing up for another fight and, if you’re still not convinced, Mississippi – always a bastion of liberal good sense – recently introduced legislation making it illegal for restaurants to sell food to fat people. (The obese rarely look good in those tight uniforms and jackboots…although the black is slimming.)

And finally.

“His primary rules were: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it.”

I thought it was Fearless Non-Golfing Leader Bush too, but it’s a report from WWII, from the Office of Strategic Services (the precursor to C.I.A.) called “Hitler
As His Associates Know Him.”

Sometimes I just hate being right…