ADullAche

“Someone should call a priest, or the National Enquirer: Hillary Clinton has now come back from the dead four times.” John Dickerson, Slate.com, April 23, 2008

Dickerson is on to something. He’s found the thread and now it’s time for him to do a bit of the old Woodward & Bernstein and follow this thing all the way into an underground parking lot if he has to.

Unfortunately, we live in the era of the 24 hour news cycle, where both those who report and those who watch have ADD, so by now some celubutante has run her car into an animal shelter, or a presidential candidate has said ‘hard’, ‘harsh’ or ‘severe’ about some part of the electorate, and we’ve all been distracted from the horrifying truth that Dickerson disclosed.

But I’m too distracted to be distracted by the endless distraction of newsfortainment, so I picked up where Dickerson left off…and you’re not going to like what I found:

Hillary Clinton is a zombie.

But not just any zombie. Not your old skool, undead, slow moving, flesh-eating, inarticulate zombie. Nor is she your modern, more athletic, lighting fast, highly communicable zombie. And she isn’t your pork‑barrelin’, budget-bustin’, gutless congressional zombie. Not even your big-talkin’, bigger spendin’, Cheney lovin’, screw the little guy, Republican zombie.

This is a whole new breed of zombie…and there’s more than one…and they’re multiplying exponentially…

It’s an entire race of soulless, hyper-political, super atomic Hillary zombies, who feed on one thing – POWER!

Think about it. What else could it be?

How else could she do six talk shows – many of which are on at the same time – in one morning?

How else could she show up at campaign appearances on opposite sides of the state – at the same time?

It’s too late now. We should have boarded up our windows and doors, lit bonfires in the front yard, had the greatest minds in America working on a cure. Sure, we’d still be facing a small crisis in erectile dysfunction, but if we’d put the same kind of Manhattan Project-like energy into the zombie Hillaries problem that we have into making sure baby-boomers could still get wood, we wouldn’t be faced with most destructive force to the Democratic Party since Mike Dukakis strapped up and climbed into an M1 Abrams tank.

Now the Democrats have to live with the very specific undead among them. Every day they infect more people. Ever day they infect the Party, making it weaker, scattering survivors, who hide out in root cellars and caucus rooms waiting to vote…afraid to vote the ‘wrong way’. Those who escape infection today will eventually have to make their way to Denver for the convention – which is just what the super atomic zombie Hillaries want.

What’s left of the Democratic Party will all be in the same place at the same time – in the same room with the zombie Hillaries. It’ll be a bloodbath. It’ll make the films of George A. Romero look like Three Stooges outtakes. It’ll make Chicago ’68 look like a Boy Scout Jamboree. No one will escape, the entire party will be infected. The survivors, what few there are, will limp away and hide. The zombie Hillaries will insure a McCain victory in November, and he’ll finish the work Bush/Cheney started.

Then, we’ll all wander the wasteland that was once America.

And four years from now, when it’s time to do this all over again, when the virus has become pandemic, we’ll crawl out of the wreckage to find the only candidates running, are super atomic zombie Hillaries.

AND THAT’S WHAT I WEAR UNDER MY ROBE.

“You wanna talk about Bush versus Gore. I perceive that,” he replied. “I and my court owe no apology whatever for Bush versus Gore. We did the right thing. So there!”

“People say that that decision was not based on judicial philosophy but on politics,” Stahl asks.

“I say nonsense,” Scalia says.

Was it political?

“Gee, I really don’t wanna get into - I mean this is - get over it.”

(Justice Antonin Scalia and Leslie Stahl on “60 Minutes” – April 27, 2008)

Get over it?

Get over it!?

That’s the best the Harvard educated and putative sharpest mind on the Supreme Court could come up with.

Sure, screw everybody. Give ‘em the ol’ Cheney. (Hey, you think the simp Scalia got his catch phrase while sitting in that duck blind with the Dark Lord, “not discussing” the upcoming Supreme Court case involving Cheney and the energy task force?)

All addlebrained Antonin did was lead the charge that spit in the eye of 211 years of presidential elections and installed the loser of ’00 campaign (go count the votes again if you think it’s changed) in the White House, ergo having an active hand in helping the idiot in charge push America over a cliff.

Things sure have gone well since you changed history, Justice jerkwad. Just ask your limo driver how much it costs him to get to work and feed his family, and when he answers, tell him to “Get over it.”

So that’s what you learned in almost fifty years in the law, “Get over it.”

Is that a John Marshall argument or was it Oliver Wendell Holmes?

Well, it’s clever and it has universal appeal. Anytime anyone screws with the human race just bust out the old, “Get over it?”

Let’s try it out.

Pontius Pilate: “Get over it.”

Attila the Hun: “Get over it.”

Idi Amin: “Get over it.”

Josef Stalin: “Get over it.”

Pol Pot: “Get over it.”

Adolph Hitler: “Get over it.”

I like it!

If only Saddam Hussein had shouted “Get over it” when they found him hiding in that hole…he’d have a house in Cabo now, right on the beach, maybe even be fishing buddies with that nitwit ‘Nino’ Scalia.

Idiocy is on the run, and even though the country is in horrible shape thanks to George the Dull, I thought I could have a little hope.

Then I saw the results from the Pennsylvania primary and remembered a black guy is in the lead for the Democratic nomination for president. Doesn’t Barack know this is America and we don’t like black folk. And if we forgot for a minute and started thinking we might like black people, Hillary is going to take every opportunity to remind us we really don’t.

Okay, that’s not strictly true – the part about Hillary is – the other part about America not liking black people isn’t. We have nothing against them, we just like them to know their place. They can be entertainers, athletes, mayors of cities white people won’t live in, we’re even letting them be quarterbacks these days, but president…

As long as ‘they’ knew their place, we could all pretend that half the country still isn’t bitter (there’s that word again) over the outcome of the Civil War, and imagine there really is liberty and justice for all. We all profess we want racial equality—okay, not all. Strom Thurmond’s been dead for five years and some folks in South Carolina are still voting for him. And let’s not forget his disciple and wannabe Imperial Wizard, Trent Lott, who said America would be a better place if Thurmond had been elected president.

We’re America, we just can’t help ourselves—we’re a bunch of racist crackers.

The polls say a vast majority of people polled have no problem with a black president…until they go to their polling place and somehow the lever for the black guy doesn’t get pulled. That’s the kind of anonymous racism we like around these parts. You say one thing in public, but when the curtain is drawn and no one’s looking…you don’t think those pointy white hoods are just a fashion statement do you?

So we’re crackers. Hath not a Cracker eyes. Hath not a Cracker hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; and don’t forget a truck with the stars and bars in the back window and Skynnard on endless replay coming from the crappy in-dash stereo.

We just need to accept who we are and keep our unbroken string of white guys in charge of things. After all, white guys have gotten us this far, and look around, things could not be better.

And don’t get me started on that lesbian who wants to be in charge…

I know the Buddha says we all suffer and misery shouldn’t be comparative. I know we have plenty to bitch about as we get dragged kicking and screaming in the the eighth year of the Bush/Cheney nightmare, but:

Congo-Kinshasa: Hundreds Flee New North Kivu Violence

Uganda: UN Peacekeepers in DRC Prepared to Strike LRA

Tanzania: 450,000 DRC And Burundi Refugees Leave

Congo-Kinshasa: End Suffering in East, Say Rights Groups

Congo-Kinshasa: Journalist Beaten By Angolan Diplomat - Arrested While Unconscious

Congo-Kinshasa: Concern About Death Threats Against Those Observing Appeal Hearings in Serge Maheshe Murder Case

That’s just a taste of the last three days of headlines from Central Africa. Note there wasn’t a single mention of the starvation and genocide that’s occurring even as you read this.

Didn’t mean to depress anyone, but sometimes we just need to put the Barack & Hillary Show in perspective.

I’ll be funny next time…

“You know, there is no requirement that anybody vote for anybody…Every delegate with very few exceptions is free to make up his or her mind however they choose,” Clinton told Time’s Mark Halperin. “We talk a lot about so-called pledged delegates, but every delegate is expected to exercise independent judgment.” (washingtonpost.com, The Trail, 26 March 2008. She said it again yesterday while doing the “full ginsberg” on all the morning chat shows.)

If anyone knows the minutiae of the law, it’s the Clintons. And while what she said is technically true – as was the ‘technical’ definition of “is” was…is…was… – it sure as hell ain’t the way things are supposed go.

The whole point of sending delegates to a convention is to have them – at least for one round of voting – vote for the candidate they were sent to vote for. They represent the electorate.

Okay, during the past eight years no one’s really done a lot of electorate representing and we’re a bit out of practice, but isn’t part of our collective – and still putative until November rolls around and I see different – outrage at the state of the union, and our call for change, based on wanting someone to hear us.

I’m not saying Hillary’s been implanted with Cheney DNA, but looking into the camera and telling pledged delegates (not super delegates) they’re independent and don’t worry your pretty little heads about that word “pledged,” sounds a little like, “So.”

Maybe I’m a bit oversensitive, and should probably be more like Congress and ignore the overt criminality and egregious indifference to the Constitution we’ve lived through since 2000, but I’m a petty guy. I was hoping for something a little better this time around.

As the bard said, “World thy slippery turns.”

If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now: God wants John McCain to be president.

No, I haven’t had a vision. Nothing has appeared on my kitchen window, nor disclosed its presence on the bumper of my car, nor has anything been revealed in an unmistakable pattern found in the special sauce of my Big Mac.

It’s just obvious.

All signs point to a divine hand intervening in the current election and pushing John McCain toward the seat of power.

Even if we put aside all the McCain mythology: he was corrupted by money lenders but saw the light, he rose from political death to get his party’s nomination, the Anti-Christ, while waiting for him, danced.

Sure, taken on their own, none of that is very unusual and could have happened to anyone – but how do you explain Hillary Clinton.

Given that the entire country is fed up with the Bush regime and that 80% of America thinks we’re headed in the wrong direction, how could McCain, who wants to continue most of Bush’s policies, be in a statistical tie for the White House with the Democrats.

Because God wants it that way. So God gave us Hillary Clinton, and charged her with destroying the Democratic Party, thereby negating whatever chance the Democrats had to win in Novemeber.

Hillary’s pyrrhic victory in Pennsylvania last night is just another example of God’s work. It was right on the number (10%) that solved nothing. A point lower and Obama is proven strong enough to convince the powers that be to pull the plug on Hillary. A point higher and the powers that be have to think long and hard about Obama. But dead on the number gets you stasis – nothing moves, nothing changes, and John McCain sits back and gets stronger as Hillary continues to do his dirty work (or God’s unfathomable clean work.)

I don’t presume to know God’s mind. Maybe, he’s a conservative – the Bible doesn’t exactly read like Das Kapital. Maybe he doesn’t like black folk – lots of people don’t.

Whatever the reason, it’s obvious who God is voting for…

…and, God is an old white guy.

YOUR JOKE HERE…

How is it that people of considerable intellect are often so stupid?

Sometimes the answer is easy, as in assessing Dick Cheney’s often fatheaded remarks. When you work for Satan and you’ve sold your soul for eternal life and an advanced peek at oil futures, the pure evil you inhale all day long occasionally impairs higher brain functions.

Then there’s smart and wrong. George Will is a good example of this. Week in, week out, this obviously learned man says some of the dumbest s*$% ever to come out of the mouth of a human being.

That brings us to Hillary Clinton. If we believe what we hear and read (and we shouldn’t – which is why I never deal in facts) Hillary is the woman behind the man who Jerry Ford called “best pure politician” he’d ever known. Hillary’s success since Bill retired proves she’s no slouch herself. Yet Hillary’s recent behavior is making stupid stand up and leave the room out of embarrassment.

Hers is a softheadedness born of megalomania.

It isn’t one single thing she’s done that makes her this week’s dope, but her whole campaign since she hit the skids a while back. The simple truth is, if Obama had gone 0 for 12 he would have been chased from the race long ago. Hillary’s “comebacks” in places like Texas and Ohio got her nothing of substance, and now, she’s gone all blockheaded.

The broad opinion of most of the nation is we are headed in the wrong direction, and we’re picking up speed. The Dems were once a shoe-in for the White House, a big reason being Barack Obama. A fresh face and new voice who was doing something different and people noticed – especially the Clintons.

Well, no one screws with the Clintons, and just because Karl Rove is unemployable, (except at Fox News, which makes him unemployable) doesn’t mean you can’t use rovian tactics. (I said his name twice, now I have to take a shower.) Through a concerted effort of cheap shots and vile politics the Clinton machine has done the Republicans job for them, and the great promise of Barack Obama has been reined in – now he’s just another politician who offers us little but a different looking face.

When John McCain walks into the White House next January, we can thank Hillary Clinton…which should put her neck ‘n neck with President Gump for Moron of the Year.

The change just keeps on coming, revealing the depths of its changiness in this year’s election of changitude.

In this ongoing – and impossible to parse – sentence of changehood, and to prove to all of us voters ready for changosis, that the now eternal struggle (according the rules of temporality, the struggle became eternal last Saturday) between Obama and Clinton, we have once again been given a glimpse of the changescence that awaits us. The people who carried this message of chageation were Clinton chief strategist and head changeologist, Geoff Garin, and Obama chief strategist and senior changician, David Axelrod. Both agents of changedom were on Meet the Press last Sunday. They both put forth compelling schema for changancy, but what was most remarkable about these two gentlemen was…nothing.

Here we are at the crossroads of Transfiguration and Sift, witnesses all to this historic moment in our history when a black man and woman have a legitimate chance (diminishing everyday as they continue to beat on each other) to gain the presidency, and who’s mapping the course for the “Here Comes Something New Express” – David Axelrod and Geoff Garin, a couple of middle-aged white guys.

I’ve got nothing against middle aged white guys. Every leader we’ve ever had has been but a slight variation on middle-aged white guy. But, and I don’t mean to go all academic here, how can anyone be oblivious to the obvious semiotic of trotting out “chief strategists” who look nothing like the candidates they strategize for and, from a distance, look exactly like the dopes who run the country now, and except for a change of clothes here and there, like every other GUY who’s run the country.

I guess changzoidification ain’t what it used be.

Something better change soon, because I am bored.

Bored.

Bored.

Bored.

I’m trying to remember a time this campaign wasn’t going on. Back to halcyon days when Bush and Cheney were lying to everyone and running the country into the ground for their own profit – and that was all we had to worry about. I’m pretty sure we still need to worry about that, but with the Democratic race for the nomination droning on and on and on and on and on and on…sorry.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but has anyone said anything that they hadn’t said before. Has there been any shift in policy? Has there been an about face on a single issue? Has anything changed since these people announced their intention to run for the presidency?

Six weeks is a long campaign in England. In Canada it can be as short as thirty-six days. Obama and Clinton started running when Lincoln was sleeping in his own bedroom.

It’s not just that they’re running, it’s that we are constantly reminded they’re running. No news, no new information, just endless announcements that the same people are still running for same office.

I know they’re running, I just don’t want to know about it every freakin’ hour of every freakin’ day of every freakin’ week of every freakin’ month for – here it comes – more than a freakin’ year. Giraffes meet, date, get married, and have baby giraffes in less time. It took less time to put up and rent space in the Empire State Building. Britney Spears got married, had kids, got divorced, lost her kids, went insane and got a job on a sitcom in less time.

This is supposed to be the most important election in decades. This is the election that’s supposed to ‘turn the page’ and usher in a new era in American politics…

…wake me up when in November.

We all knew it was coming. The writer’s strike not withstanding, the brain trust who decide what we watch on the tube every night has been heading in this direction for a while now. I just didn’t expect it during last night’s Democratic Debate.

However, ABC, realizing this is the 927^th debate of this political season, knew they had to do something to jack up interest in the program. (Even the moderators, George Stephanopoulos and Charlie Gibson weren’t interested. You could tell because they didn’t bother preparing, they just grabbed a bunch of questions from Hannity and Limbaugh. Why do I say that? Gun control and capital gains taxes just aren’t core Democratic issues. Health care and education – things they didn’t ask questions about – those are Democratic issues.)

But on to the “fun,” as CNN gasbag Lou Dobbs said last night in a preview of the debate – do you think he knew something we didn’t…

After the intro, the gang of two, stretched out their rope, found the nearest tree, and cordially requested Barack Obama (I’m sure it’s just one of life’s little ironies that Barack is a black man…right, irony…) to slip his neck into the noose with such insightful questions as:

MR. GIBSON: Talking to a closed-door fundraiser in San Francisco 10 days ago, you got talking in California about small-town Pennsylvanians who have had tough economic times in recent years. And you said they get bitter, and they cling to guns or they cling to their religion or they cling to antipathy toward people who are not like them. Now, you’ve said you misspoke; you said you mangled what it was you wanted to say. But we’ve talked to a lot of voters. Do you understand that some people in this state find that patronizing and think that you said actually what you meant?

And:

MR. STEPHANOPOULOS: Senator, two questions. Number one, do you think Reverend Wright loves America as much as you do? And number two, if you get the nomination, what will you do when those sermons are played on television again and again and again?

Least we not forget:

NASH MCCABE (Latrobe, Pennsylvania): (From videotape.) Senator Obama, I have a question, and I want to know if you believe in the American flag. I am not questioning your patriotism, but all our servicemen, policemen and EMS wear the flag. I want to know why you don’t.

MR. GIBSON: Just to add to that, I noticed you put one on yesterday. But — you’ve talked about this before, but it comes up again and again when we talk to voters. And as you may know, it is all over the Internet. And it’s something of a theme that Senators Clinton and McCain’s advisers agree could give you a major vulnerability if you’re the candidate in November. How do you convince Democrats that this would not be a vulnerability?

Pins and reverends, that’s what America wants to hear about those who would lead us…unless, no one really cared about the answers and we were all swept up in the excitement of a good old fashioned “necktie” party.

Here are a couple of links to British publications. It’s always a good idea to see what we look like from a different point of view – but it ain’t pretty, so make sure the kids leave the room.

The Economist

http://www.economist.com/daily/news/displaystory.cfm?story_id=11050024&top_story=1

The Guardian

http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/niall_stanage/2008/04/the_dumbest_debate_in_america.html