ADullAche

I realize we live in complicated times and the old black & white world—or red, white & blue vs. commie red—is long gone, but I miss those anything but halcyon days. We didn’t have satellite TV and surveillance was a plain old bug in a phone, but at least you knew where you stood.

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Richard Milhous Nixon. For those who slept through history class (do they teach that anymore?) or didn’t catch All The President’s Men the last time it ran on AMC. Richard M. Nixon was the 37^th President of the United States, forced a genuine Constitutional crisis with the Watergate mess, and in 1974 became the first President in American history to resign. He was, as describe by the late Hunter S. Thompson, “a thieving pigf—er.”

But he was a smart thieving pigf—er.

He tried “Vietnamization” to end the war in Viet Nam; the Vietnamese Army was supposed to stand up as we stood down—didn’t work out all that well. (Seems it ain’t just the kids who don’t know history). But all’s well that ends badly, and today you can buy a coke and cheeseburger in Ho Chi Minh City. That little misstep aside, Nixon’s foreign policy was groundbreaking. He brokered SALT I &II with the Soviet Union and pushed back the threat of nuclear annihilation, (look it up, they used to be really scary). As important, he was the first U.S. President to open relations with China, who now have all our money, so he was something of a visionary there.

On the home front things were a little different; wonky economy, illegal domestic spying, enemy’s lists, renegade C.I.A. agents violating whatever law they could find, an imperial presidency…no, really, I’m talking about Nixon.

But the best part of Nixon was how easy he was to dislike. He was jowly, sweaty, had a five o’clock shadow at 8:00am, and in the end, a little loony. He wandered the halls of the White House, probably drunk, talking to the portraits of past presidents, and smart enough to know he’d screwed up and it was time to pay the piper.

If only we had a guy like that in charge today. But instead of a shrewd, megalomaniacal, world-wise professional, we get the idiot cousin who won the lottery.

George W. Bush, good old 43, headed for infamy and doesn’t have the brains to figure it out. A bunch of people, including hundreds of historians think he’s the worst president in U.S. history. He may be the only leader in world history (that’s ALL OF HISTORY including Nero and Rameses) who has waged war and lowered taxes at the same time. That aside, his administration is so secretive and so corrupt it makes Nixon’s reign look transparent and saintly. Hell, Nixon’s V.P. Spiro Agnew got busted for tax evasion and resigned. Viceroy Cheney has broken more laws than a coked up Dubya speeding down I-10 to avoid National Guard service, and he gets a 60 million dollar pay day from his old company.

Where’s the reliable, old school evil. Nixon stood up, looked you in the eye and said, “I am not a crook,” and you knew he was lying. Bush stands up, stammers a few unintelligible words, and half-wits like Chris Matthews think it’s cute.

When the Watergate Scandal broke and things went south around Tricky Dick, you knew he was in it up to his elbows. With Dubya, unless he’s fooling us all—and no one is that good an actor—the continuing calamity called his presidency goes on all around him while he sits back and dreams of the day he can drink beer again.

I guess that’s the price of getting older, you think even the bad stuff you had when you were young was better than the bad stuff you have now. But there’s hope on the horizon. If Hillary gets elected, we’re sure to once again have Nixonian hi-jinks in the nation’s capitol…but unlike simple cousin George; once she gets caught let’s hope she’s smart enough to be like Tricky Dick and resign.